The Basics of Dealing with Sibling Rivalry and Conflict (by Jody McVittie, CPDA)
1. Some sibling conflict is normal and healthy.
2. Sibling conflict can teach valuable life skills: Cooperation, learning conflict skills (problem solving, walking away, cooling off, standing up for yourself), more than one point of view is valid, finding solutions that work for more than one person, fixing mistakes (owning a mistake, apologizing, working together for a solution)
3. Parents can make sibling conflict a LOT worse. Instead, develop the skills to minimize competition. Avoid comparing siblings. Avoid rewards but don't forget to celebrate each child's achievements in a way that is appropriate for them. (There is a fine line between rewards and celebration. The question is to ask is why am I doing this? Is it to get them to "keep it up"? Then it is a reward. If it is a- perhaps quieter- acknowledgement and celebration of achievement? That is a celebration)
4. Sibling conflict is more about you (the parent) than you think.
Kids don't understand that love is not finite. Your negative reaction can be better than what else is happening. Learn to stay out of fights. Even those they have mistaken beliefs about how to get there, each child wants belonging and significance. Spend time with each child.
5. Teach children basic safety standards/skills. Teach them: Stop means stop. When to walk away. When to ask for problem solving help (not rescuing)
6. Develop the skills to use the sibling conflict to empower children with important life long skills: Suport kids by teaching them: problem solving skills, how to listen, how to walk away, why people act the way they do, how to ask for and give meaningful apologies (but not before they are ready)
7. Parents can learn to take care of themselves so sibling conflict is no longer a problem. Understand the issues and learn skills to maximize the benefit, minimize the ruckus. People do better when they feel better...even parents. Take care of yourself!
